short pants romance

Whenever I feel really mad or down, I like to send angry emails to Bill O’Reilly, where I make a point to tell him that, as a female, I am deeply offended by his constant objectification of women, and as an 18-24 year old student, I’m still angry about his generalization about me not knowing where Iraq is on a map.

My point is, your life would be alot better if you were fucking nuts.

I once had a friend who got out of a speeding ticket by frantically apologizing for not wearing her seatbelt.
My sister and I would not enjoy spending time with our dad’s stepmother so much if it weren’t for her constant stories of her dogs eating her hearing aid or a litter of chickens who all have furry feet.
Daniel Johnston, is perhaps, one of the most amazing songwriters of our generation, and he’s crazy as hell.
You can get out of jail for being crazy, as Jack Nicholson has proved (although, in his case it did not turn out so well.)

If you were totally insane, people would hang out with you more. I promise.
There is this kid that lives downtown(I think), that everyone knows of but doesn’t actually KNOW, and it is because he is nuts. I myself dont know him, but I know all about him.
Everyone knows that last weekend, this kid dressed like a redneck and beat up a real estate advisor with brass knuckles for MAYBE blowing smoke in some girl’s face.
Everyone knows he once dressed completely in Prada and started jumping up and down on the hood of a car that wasn’t his in the parking lot of Deidrich’s(when is was still around).
Now, the thing that really makes my point is, I have never seen this guy. I do not know what he looks like. I probably have been to a lot of parties where he was there at the same time, and I had no idea.
No one has ever said anything about how he looks or about him being attractive, so he’s probably pretty unremarkable looking.
No one has never said anything about him doing anything or going to school, so he probably doesn’t have any cool interests or hobbies.
No one ever says anything about this guy, except for stories that no matter what, start with “Did you hear about [blank] this weekend??” end with “he’s fucking crazy, man.”, which leads me to believe that the only reason this guy has ANY friends, is so they can witness these things firsthand, talk about it later, casually mentioning that they were definetly there.

The problem with this is you say to yourself, “Well, I wouldn’t want that because that would mean people are only hanging out with me for certain reasons.”
But another really amazing thing about being crazy is simply that you are too crazy to care.

designated smoking areas are perhaps the most manipulative invention ever created.
For instance, at my college, they have these things called “Smoking Pavilions”, and they are the only places on campus that you are allowed to smoke.
You can’t smoke in the parking lot, you can’t smoke in any of the quads, you can’t smoke in the covered areas outside each building. If there is a bench anywhere, it means “they are for sitting, not sitting and smoking, because if you need to smoke, there are designated areas for that.”.
ANYWAYS, these smoking pavilions look like bus stops, except they are smaller and say SMOKING PAVILION really big above it.
There is an ashtray, and a bench(these you can sit on AND smoke on), and a cover over they bench and if you are not under this cover, you are not in the smoking pavilion and you are breaking rules.
Just in case you are unsure of the campus’ position on it, you will be reassured with the many signs around campus that say “WE ARE A NON SMOKING CAMPUS. PLEASE SMOKE IN THE SMOKING PAVILIONS”.

The thing that I find funny though, is that many people mistake all this for the campus being “pro-smoking”.
The anti-smoking nazis(anti-smoking nazis kind of remind me of pro-life nuts. if you believe something, OKAY. but don’t fucking impose your beliefs on me and my body. So I’m going to hell? ok, great. at least I won’t be spending eternity with you.) are constantly saying “If the campus REALLY didn’t want people to smoke, they wouldn’t have smoking pavilions in the first place. They are only encouraging it.”
but here’s the genius part. They ARE trying to eliminate smoking. And they are trying to do it by giving us a place to smoke.

Example (and I HAVE been observing this for some time now.). These benches are about big enough to sit 4 people side by side, but about 3 people comfortably. I say, at most, about 7 people could be inside the smoking paviolion and still have room to breathe. 3 on the bench, 1 sitting on the ground next to the bench, and 3 standing up around the bench and the ashtray. But around 11 - 3, when it is busiest, there can be as many as 15 people trying to smoke. Of course, they have to stray outside of the area, standing a couple feet away from being covered.
This is what They hope for, too.
because to onlookers, it looks like a bunch of dirty slacker smokers sqeezing in a puff before class. Whats more pathetic than being so addicted to something that you have to huddle together inside a box, to smoke your precious cigarette?
and to the smoker, you kind of feel like you are in a fishtank. because these pavilions kind of tend to be placed in the middle of nowhere, and visible from everywhere. people watch you are they walk from the parking lot, and from the building, and if they are just walking by. Their eyes always fall on you and linger for awhile before drifting away again to settle on where they are going.
you kind of feel like you are being exploited in a way.
and this is what They want.
This is what will encourage you to quit.

But it kind of backfired on Them.
Because except for the anti-smoking nazis, we all kind of realize this.
And its kind of hard to be influenced by something so blantent.

and despite all this stuff, what I find is that the smoking pavilions are probably my favorite place on campus.
I’ve had more friendly conversations with the people there than the people in my classes.
we all have somethign in common there. we always have something to talk about.
I even go there when I’m not smoking. 
alot of times I’ll just bring a book and read it there or do some last minute studying. 
It beats the library.
The people there won’t talk to you.
and you can’t even fucking smoke.